Murphy's
Woodworking Laws
1. If you miss removing some dried glue
from a joint, it will appear in the most visible spot on your project
2. One piece in a thousand will snap in the
middle, popping a huge unsightly, triple-pronged, un-glueable splinter when you
try to install it.
3. The router bit you need to use will stay
hidden in the shop until you buy a replacement.
4. The store you buy router bits from will
have every bit in stock except the one you need.
5. The greater the number of any one router
bit you have on hand, the harder it will be to find it.
6. Dovetails on scrap wood as tests, will
be perfect.
7. The router and dovetail jig will need
adjustment on the actual project after all tests prove perfect.
8. When one more test setting is needed,
you'll not have the scrap wood to do the test with. You'll move to the actual
wood and the settings will be off.
9. Every dovetail joint in a project will
have a fault except the last one.
10. Once you find the tool you are looking
for, something else will disappear.
11. Interchangeable parts will not.
12. Once a project is fouled up, anything
you do to it will only make it worse.
13. The woodworker with the least expertise
has the most opinions.
14. A $300 tool will protect a 10 cent fuse
by burning out first.
15. The amount of planning you put into a
Saturday afternoon project will be directly proportional to the thoughts SWMBO
has of taking you shopping for clothes at the same time.
16. In any project assembly, if there is a
50% chance of putting it together wrong, there will be a 95% chance you will put
it together wrong the first time.
17. You will always have enough epoxy resin
left for that last joint, but you'll be out of hardener.
18. The workpiece on the lathe will always
catch and explode when you make that last, light finishing cut.
19. No matter how many pencils you buy,
there is never enough.
20. No matter how many pencils you sharpen,
you will never find one.
21. When you finally find a pencil in the
shop, you will have forgotten your measurement.
22. When you finally cut those perfectly
book-matched boards you've been saving for doors on a special cabinet, you will
have discovered you have two left ones.
23. The tool you can not find will be in
the last place you look.
24. On any project, you will find at least
one board that no matter how many times you cut it, it will still be too short.
25. No matter how well you plan a project,
you will never be able to finish it in 30 minutes, like Norm Abram.
26. Half-way through a well-planned
project, you will need a tool you don't have.
27. When SWMBO requires you to do a project
that requires a new tool, she won't let you buy it.
28. Drying time on glue is inversely
proportional to the amount of time the lid has been left off of the bottle.
29. Mistakes only happen on the most
visible piece.
30. No matter how large or powerful a tool
you buy, it will be inadequate for the next project you want to use it for.
31. No matter how many screws, nuts, bolts
or fasteners you have, you will never have the right one at the right time.
32. No matter where you lay down a tool,
you will be on the other side of the shop when you need it again.
33. No matter where you make a place to
keep a tool, it won't be in it when you need it.
34. Every one hour project will take 6-1/2
hours in your shop.
35. All the free plans available always
seem boring.
36. Any project done for a relative or
friend will have them over every night until it is finished to their
satisfaction.
37. No matter how much blood, sweat and
tears you put into a project, no one will appreciate it or like it as much as
you do.
38. Plans always have a step, joint, or
technique you hate, think is stupid, never heard of or don't have the tools for.
39. You can never afford the wood for the
really cool projects.
40. The exciting project you don't have
time for on Tuesday night, is the one that is too boring to do on Saturday
morning.
41. You never remember "shop
tips" while working in the shop.
42. You can never remember all the things
you need at Home Depot when you have to go there.
43. You never remember the wood you needed
until you unload the truck with the wood you thought you needed.
44. Every project will take six hours of
cleaning the shop, rearranging the tools and building a one time jig before you
can start.
46. You would rather spend your money on
good tools than waste it on expensive hardwoods.
47. You can always purchase an item cheaper
than it is to make.
48. If you measure a dimension twice and
get the same measurement both times, your measuring tape is inaccurate.
49. If you measure something three times,
one will not agree with the other two.
50. If your measurements are exact, you
will invariably cut on the wrong side of the mark at least once.
51. If you drop a tool on the floor, it
will invariably roll under your bench where you can't reach it.
52. The quality, low-priced lumber is never
near where you live.
53. Any project you have to do will require
another project to be done before it.
54. A clean shop is the sign of someone
that just says he is a woodworker.
55. The worst fitting joint will always be
the most visible, and likewise, the best fitting joint is always hidden from
view.
56. All finished blemishes will be right
where people will want to touch and admire it.
57. The hand fastener you have at hand, is
always too long or too short and you must go find the right size.
58. Always cut the long piece first. This
way when you cut it too short, you can use it for the shorter pieces.
59. Short pieces needing to be cut, will
never have long enough stock to cut them out of.
60. When clamping work together, you will
always need one more hand than is available to hold the piece together (even
using a nail gun).
61. Don't put fleshy parts of your body
behind anything you are drilling or you might find it with the drill bit.
62. All lost tools are found after finding
a way to get around not using them. They get jealous if not enough attention is
paid to them. Much like a dog will come back if you stop running after him.
63. Never say, "Oh ya, I can do that
in an hour" when you need to be somewhere else in four hours.
64. Never commit to anything you don't want
to be nagged about later.
65. You never have enough time to do a
project the first time, but always enough time to do it over.
66. A freshly sharpened chisel will always
fall sharpened side down.
67. Old Bailey planes will fall in such a
way to snap off a cheek or to break at the mouth.
68. Tools & wood will expand to consume
all available shop space.
69. When digging for something in the tool
box, you'll find the sharp end first.
70. Some lights and tools have a dependency
sensor. Like a breaker, if it senses too much dependency, it ceases operation.
Sometimes spectacularly.
71. All of the Phillips screwdrivers of a
useful size are in SWMBO's kitchen utility drawer.
72. If you spill glue on your forearm, it
should be cleaned up right away. If you delay, you'll get an appreciation for
what women go through when they wax their legs.
73. If you run out of stain in the middle
of a project, the next can, even though it is the same brand and kind, will be
different.
74. Clamps are used to hold boards in
place. Without them, the boards are found all over the shop.
75. When you know you have a particular
tool, and can't find it, you'll buy another one. When you know you have several
tools of the same kind, you'll keep looking for one of them.
76. When you set up your shop, the tools
will have enough breakers so you can turn all of them on at once, then you run
them one at a time.
77. Those special boards you have been
saving can be found in the son's woodworking project he did at school.
78. There is a direct correlation between
the price of the wood and the mis-cuts.
79. Measuring twice and cutting once, will
only result in two different measurements.
80. A surefire way to guarantee screwing up
your project is to say, "Just this last cut and then I'm done."
81. The amount of time spent on finishing a
project is directly proportional to the ear ache received about it not
"ready yet", but is inversely proportional to the quality of the
finish.
82. Spill-proof paint cans, aren't.
83. Paint / Varnish / Glue can be removed
easier and faster from your project than the patch of floor you dripped it on.
84. A three-year-old can imitate your
painting with better results.
85. A tool you have been wanting to use for
a long time will not be able to be found, and you'll wind up buying another one.
86. Small particles of dust float in the
air all of the time. If you buy a Dust Collector, you become more aware of them
and think your Dust Collector isn't doing the job.
87. All projects come with mistakes. You
should make those first before working on the project.
88. Starting a project is easier to do than
finishing one.
89. The plans for a project and the
finished project itself, never seem to be the same.
90. A skilled woodworker will always have
difficulty doing something.
91. An air cleaner has no way of knowing
how often it cleans the same air over and over and over....
92. The SWMBO usually has better plans.
93. Someone else will find your mistakes
quicker and easier than you can.
94. Once you have saved enough money to buy
that special tool you've been wanting, it will either be out-of-stock or
discontinued.
95. If you have enough money to buy all the
tools you want, there will still be something you need the next time you use
them.
96. If you are limited in the amount of
money you can spend on your tools, something is going to suffer. Usually it will
be the car.
97. All power tools are built with smoke
sealed in them. If you let the smoke out, the tool will no longer function.
98. Everything in the shop is considered to
be a Dust Collector until you buy one.
99. Making saw dust is one thing. Making
saw dust perfect requires skill.
100. The best way to protect your lungs
from getting saw dust in them is to use a respirator as a filter over your nose.
101. The floor is never the right color or
clean enough to find the dropped screws, bolts, nuts or nails you need to finish
your project with.
102. Small fasteners and hardware when
dropped, proves time travels. The distance between where and when it dropped
today and the time and place it was finally found (three months from now) is an
example of how this item traveled through time before it hit the floor and
landed where you found it.
103. Never make a list of items to get at
the store. You won't remember it until you get there and park your truck. (Or
remember where you left it.)
104. If there is only one drop of glue that
squeezes out of a joint when gluing up a project, it will most likely be under a
clamp where it can't be seen to be cleaned.
105. When working on any project, there
will always be a tool that you don't have that will either make it easier or
allow you to do the job in less time.
106. There will always be someone who will
tell you that you did it wrong.
107. The customer will always tell you
there is something wrong with the project you made him and then offer to take it
off of your hands at a lower price than he agreed to pay.
108. Nothing will ever turn out right on
Mondays.
109. Being overstocked with wood can be
just as bad as being under-stocked.
110. Everyone makes mistakes. Most people
laugh at mine.
111. When a rapidly spinning power tool
comes into contact with a stationary tool, it will be the more expensive of the
two which suffers the worst damage.
112. You'll always need one more clamp no
matter how many you buy.
113. You buy a tool from a mail order
catalogue. They say it will take 2 days to arrive....it takes 7.
114. When you glue something up, glue gets
all over everywhere. All over the workshop. All over your clamps. All over your
tools. All over you.
115. You never have enough wood to REALLY
build that project you've been planning.
116. You always need one more tool to
finish that job you've been planning for months.
117. You're never satisfied with what tools
you've got and want to buy more, regardless if you already have one.
118. Sanding and finishing are boring,
tedious jobs and you pay the kids to do them.
119. Cleaning up the shop can always wait
until tomorrow.
120. Finding the right lumber for the job
can take all day. Especially when you have to look at all the new tools at the
store as well.